Have you ever said yes when you absolutely meant no?
We’ve all been there. Someone asks if you can do something and our instant reaction is to help.
Even if we don’t have the energy.
Even if it means we’ll be later home.
Even if it means sacrificing our own happy, for someone else’s.
There’s a reason for this. We aren’t just human beings – we are human givers. It’s literally hard wired into us.
Science-y people say that we fear social rejection, because squillions of years ago, belonging to a group was essential to our survival and to some extent it still is. Loneliness is the new pandemic, with more and more people feeling isolated and alone. So in order to stay with the “in group” we might compromise our time, energy, even our values.
This becomes problematic when we start to lose ourselves in the chaos. We start to wonder what we are doing – and why – and where will it all end?
Here’s what might help.
This week, maybe set the intention to Slow the Pleasing. That doesn’t mean we have to stop being nice, or say no to everything. We can balance our decision making by thinking about exactly what we want and what we’re ready to give. What would you do, what would you say and who would you be if you stopped worrying what people think?
Another powerful question can be “what is the worst that can happen?”. Our fears hold us back in different ways but when we play them forward in our minds we might see they’re not as bad as we first thought.
On the other hand, you could also raise the bar in other people. Instead of making yourself small to help others feel more comfortable, you could ask the world to simply do better. In her TED Talk, Luvvie Ajayi Jones talks about getting comfortable with being uncomfortable. We are allowed to highlight injustice, or ask for our needs to be met. She says if you think something needs saying, ask yourself these three things:
1) Do you mean it?
2) Can you defend it?
3) Will you say it with love?
If the answer is yes Luvvie says, then say it and let the chips fall.
That doesn’t mean it’s not scary speaking our truth, but it matters. Because you matter too.
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You might also like: my book Answers In The Dark: Grief, Sleep and How Dreams Can Help You Heal, out now.
© Delphi Ellis 2023
Monday Mojo™ 